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Talking about death with my preschooler was never something I thought about. As a Christian family we talked about Christ dying and the atonement, especially around Easter. But it was never a big topic. That is until I was left no other choice.
All of Batman’s great grandparents died before he was born. His grandparents are relatively healthy and so there just hasn’t been anyone die that he is close to. He has never had any pets so them dying has also been a non-issue.
Due to his cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment, over the past two years Batman has not been exposed to very many kids his age. He was taken out of daycare at 21 months, has not been able to attend preschool, never interacts with the other children when he does go to church. For the most part his social interaction comes from his cousins that are his age and live next door.
So when he met a little friend during one of his stays at the hospital it was a match made in heaven. J and Batman were born 2 months apart. Batman was in treatment for Leukemia and J was in cancer treatment for Neuroblastoma. Even at the young age of two they quickly bonded over losing their hair and having so many doctor’s appointments.
Batman would look forward to their play-dates. He finally had a friend that was like him and had the same physical disabilities due to chemotherapy.
Then J relapsed. Twice!
Soon after his second relapse, he was placed on hospice care and passed away one week before his 4th Birthday. I was left with a 3, almost 4-year-old asking when J was coming to play? Why was his little brother B staying the night with us and not J?
I realized then that I needed to have a REAL conversation with my child.
A conversation that I had been dreading.
And honestly, I was terrified. I was I to tell him that his friend was never going to come over and play again? That he was never going to see him at the clinic? That he was gone? I put off the conversation as long as I possibly could. Then I racked my brain to figure out the best way to approach the subject with him in terms that he would understand.
So how did I approach talking about death with my preschooler?
Here are the 5 tips that I used:
1. Use simple, clear words.
First and foremost, use language that they understand. In my instance, Batman wouldn’t have understood if I told him that J “passed away.” He wouldn’t have even truly understood if I said that “he died.” He did, however, understand that he went to live in Heaven.
Being a religious family we have talked a lot to Batman about Jesus and heaven. So this concept was familiar to him. If you aren’t religious, find something else that is familiar to your child and use that. Small children need something concrete, not abstract to relate things to.
2. Tell it straight and honestly.
Batman had seen J very ill. He understood that his brother was staying with us the night J died because J was sick and needed special time with his parents. Knowing that J had been sick made it easier. I was able to explain that he now longer was hurting.
Even preschoolers need to know the truth.
If I had told Batman that J simply went away or couldn’t come over anymore, he would be asking why? A lot. The last thing I wanted was to be having a play date with J’s mom and little brother and Batman to ask where he was. Even though we still talk about him a lot since he died, I didn’t want to have to explain all over again in front of J’s mother. It was hard enough the first time.
3. Be open with emotions.
I’m a firm believer in teaching children to feel their emotions and how to handle those feelings in appropriate ways. It’s okay to feel all of the feels. It’s healthy to feel anger, sadness, grief, fear, etc.
It’s important to let your preschooler know that you are sad, and it is okay if they are sad too. Chances are they won’t be nearly as sad as you are, and that’s also okay. Be okay with that!
4. Listen to and fully answer their questions.
Preschoolers may or may not have questions. But make sure if they do that you take the time to answer them in a way they understand. Keep the line of communication open. No questions should ever be off limits, insignificant, or bothersome, even if you seem to be answering the same question over and over again. They may just need some time to process.
Listen to what they are saying, and what they aren’t. Try to be in-tune to any abnormal behaviors that occur. I thought everything had smoothed over when Batman started asking “when am I going to go home”, “when will my real parents come and get me.”
At first I was really confused, and a little hurt. I remember giving birth to this child, and no one else was going to take him to their home. Then I realized that at church we teach about being children of God, that he is our parent and we will go home and live with him someday. J had gone home, to live with God (his parent) and Batman was wondering when it would be his turn.
So, what did I do. I loved him! Every time he brought it up I reminded him just how much I loved him and how sad I would be if any other parent came and took him. This went on for a few months and then stopped. I’m just glad that I was aware enough to recognize where it was coming from, I was able to help him through the experience instead of just feeling hurt by it.
5. Be patient, the conversation may need to happen more than once.
I was actually shocked with how well Batman handled the whole conversation. We talked about J going to live in Heaven and Batman smiled, said okay, and went to play. Then a few days later he brought it up again. This time he told me that J had gone to live in Heaven. We discussed a little more about what that meant.
Preschoolers learn and process information in their own time frame, not ours.
Death can be a scary subject, for children and adults.
But it’s a normal part of life. Death affects each and everyone of us in different ways throughout our lives. Learning to healthily process and cope with death is an important skill that will bless your children throughout their entire lives.
